Tales from the Transit Line
Report from the Evening Commute:
A study reveals that if a man proclaims loudly, on a busy SkyTrain, that he may still have “sperm” on his hands from the night before and then wonders out loud “what the strangers think of that” – he is an idiot.
That same study also reveals that if that same man then asks his traveling companion for a “smoochie smooch” – he is definitely an idiot.
Tales from the Transit Line
Eyewitness News from the Evening Commute:
A man gets on the bus at East Hastings and Main. He’s carrying a large black, lumpy garbage bag that clearly does not contain empty cans or bottles.
He is obviously in a hurry as he mutters “Don’t stop, don’t stop,” to the bus driver when he approaches yellow lights.
At one point, the man with the bag pulls out an orange spray bottle and sprays an odorless substance on his shoes.
His nails are black and appear as though he’s been digging in the dirt with his bare hands.
His head is shaven, but not cleanly.
He gets off the bus at Hastings and Cassiar, near the highway.
Tales from the Transit Line
Report from the Morning Commute:
Vancouver commuters are still reeling from the threat of a natural disaster today, after a 7.7 magnitude earthquake hit the West Coast off the Haida Gwaii islands on Saturday night.
“Do you think a tsunami could hit SFU [Simon Fraser University],” a young man asked his friend at a mountain-top university bus stop early Monday.
His friend shrugged.
“Well, there are bears here,” the first young man added.
In unrelated news, in case anyone missed this news flash 20 years ago, we are repeating it here, today, as a public service announcement: Wearing half a bottle of CK One is no longer fashionable.
On a related note, brushing your teeth is.
Tales from the Transit Line
Public Service Announcement:
Have you ever had to walk to your bus or train stop – or even all the way to work, in the rain!?
Was it windy and did your cheap umbrella break?
Did you finally get on your mode of transit or into your office and did it smell like mothballs?
We’ve all had one of those mornings, and now we all have access to the Cure for the Commuter Blues (CCB)
Our CCB T-shirts will allow you to express yourself so that you don’t bottle up your rage and end up hitting the bottle – or worse.
Tell the world how you feel and say what you want to say without saying a word.
Here are a few samples of our most popular CCB T-shirts:
– Fu*k you, you fu*king fu*k.
– Are you fu*king kidding me!?
– You fu*king stink! No, really, you smell bad.
– I’m going to fu*cking kill somebody! [On the back] Not really, I’m just super mad.
For a full list of T-shirts available or to place your order today, visit www.ILoveThisShi(r)t.com.
Tales from the Transit Line
Report from the Morning Commute:
This morning a man walked through a crowd of commuters leaving the Stadium-Chinatown SkyTrain station asking: “You people want me to get out of this fu*king city, don’t you?”
Commuters, who are like zombies that have brains, however, did not respond to his loud inquiry.
“No one even blinked,” said our on-scene reporter Kelle Shaunna, noting commuters are used to walking against resistance. “I can tell you, however, that although it appeared we did not notice him, we did, and we were all thinking: ‘Yes, get the fu*k out.'”
The man’s whereabouts are now unknown, but he is believed to be still wandering around downtown asking others the same question.
Tales from the Transit Line
Report from the Evening Commute:
A study has shown that if you pace frantically on the SkyTrain platform and then pull your own hair, while smiling happily – you will never be crowded on a busy train at rush hour.
Tales from the Transit Line
Report from the Evening Commute:
According to a commuter with a new piercing in her face, “if you put makeup on an open wound, it will get infected.”
Tales from the Transit Line
Report from the Evening Commute:
Ben with the super big Adam’s apple, who is kind of shy and quiet and not rowdy, can go to a tall cherry-haired young commuter’s party this weekend.
So can Connor and Jesse, because she misses ‘drinking with them’, but she won’t talk to Jesse.
No Grade 12s can go, but some people her friend knows from middle school are invited.
Christine is going, although the commuter ‘hates her.’
In related news, she’s going home right now to dye her hair.
Tales from the Transit Line
Report from the Morning Commute:
Today is We Day and 20,000 kids will make their way downtown this morning to attend related festivities.
In other news, if you think you’re taking transit downtown this morning – you are not.
My Tales from the Transit Line…. that moment of absolute panic when you realize the guy sitting next to you, the guy who is gesticulating wildly and talking loudly in anger, isn’t speaking to anyone in particular but to the voices in his head…and then you realize he isn’t particularly well kept and is wafting the odor of alcohol and cigarettes over you …and that everyone around you isn’t meeting his eye…. and you aren’t quite sure if you should ease away slowly or whether any movement might trigger a direct confrontation with dire consequences (ie. beheading)…. so, so grateful when you finally reach the next skytrain station and he is distracted by the influx of people and can capitalize on the confusion by bolting to the far end of the car…My Tales from the Transit Line…. that moment of absolute panic when you realize the guy sitting next to you, the guy who is gesticulating wildly and talking loudly in anger, isn’t speaking to anyone in particular but to the voices in his head…and then you realize he isn’t particularly well kept and is wafting the odor of alcohol and cigarettes over you …and that everyone around you isn’t meeting his eye…. and you aren’t quite sure if you should ease away slowly or whether any movement might trigger a direct confrontation with dire consequences (ie. beheading)…. so, so grateful when you finally reach the next skytrain station and he is distracted by the influx of people and can capitalize on the confusion by bolting to the far end of the car…
~ Lisa Michelle
Tales from the Transit Line 